Thursday, April 11, 2013

Gratitude

I was tired and homesick. My stomach hurt. I was nearly in tears over my failing ability to translate Spanish and I was put out by my brown surroundings. I was cold in the desert where whoever built my house didn't think that heat was necessary. I really wanted to talk to my dad, but with the inconvenience of time zones, it would require waking him. I was nearly at the edge of what I could handle, blind to the light at the end of the tunnel. In that moment, I remembered sitting in the shade of trees at an outdoor cafe with the Guatemala YAVs discussing gratitude as a spiritual discipline.

I reached back and began to quietly call into focus all the things, in the midst of my long and challenging transition, for which I am grateful. I had allowed myself to fall so far into despair over the difficulties on my path that at first it was difficult to recall my many blessings. I started small with things like my blanket and my wool socks, eventually beginning to tear up at the thought of my wonderful parents and my excellent education that I often take for granted.

That day I decided that in the midst of the difficulty I was going to intentionally take time to be grateful each day. The transformation was astonishing. I recovered my inner peace and stability even in the most difficult situations. I found the strength and patience to confront several of the biggest set backs I have encountered here. That day marks the turning point in my transition to Tucson. Not too many months later, I now feel at home in Tucson and in my community. There may always be rocks in the path, but calling out gratitude, I have found the strength to push forward on the trail. 

Lenten Retreat and Solitude

Today, I would describe myself with several adjectives. One of those is really inconsistent blogger on my almost now, nonexistent blog. I beg your pardon. I have six drafts saved and only one published blog since January. I feel so blessed to have such patient supporters. 

Back in early February, I saw God falling from the sky in the form of snow on the desert. Though the snow did not wrap me in a warm blanket and hold me tight, I with my blue lips and frozen toes felt comforted by the morning snow. It was majestic and surreal to be out on the desert alone on the Lenten Spirituality Retreat. It was mind boggling to be in the desert sleeping near a stream with snow on both cottonwoods and saguaros. 

The retreat, one of the unique facets of the YAV program in Tucson, started with two days of retreat at the main camp ground with my community members. We had times of fellowship and more serious focused moments as we acclimated to the idea of solitude in the desert. On the third morning we moved to our individual sites--spread out along the canyon. 

In my time of solitude, I was pleased to discover, I am very comfortable with myself. Even if I cannot proclaim to know myself through and through, I am absolutely comfortable with me. I felt so much peace sitting on a rock next to the small stream that morphs into a raging river during the monsoon season. I felt joy when I hiked up the canyon wall only to see the peaks of mountains all around me and no sign of urban or human development. I felt so small on God's big earth. I was out of control of what might come my way. I had to let go and be wrapped in his beautiful, intricate quilt or else be overcome by fear. I am so blessed to have experienced so deeply a reminder that God is SO big and that he envelops us each in his hands--his creation, everyday.